Flunking With Portals
by ThisStatementIsFalse
Summary: Alright, who gave the RED team a portal gun? Third spinoff in the Misadventures of the RED Team series
1. Chapter 1- Not Again!

**Well hey there! It's that time again; MOTRT spinoff time! :D**

**On that note, while it doesn't _really _matter, the chronological order for the series is;**

**Misadventures of the RED Team, then 2, then Dare Games and Base Repairs!**

**Not necessary to read them all, just a few references you might miss :p**

**Anyhow, I don't own TF2 or Portal, those _awesome things _are Valve's :)**

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Chapter One - Not Again!

~?~

For the RED Demoman, it was all too common an occurrence to wake up with a throbbing headache and no recollection of where he was. An impossibly infinite supply of scrumpy made sure of this.

This particular time however, something seemed… astray, even.

The Demoman put a thinking hat on (because mercs truly obsessed over hats) to ponder it out. Fortunately the answer quickly clonked his forehead;

"Oh! This ain't the base…" he observed, finding himself instead in a room built of countless dull white panels. Nevertheless he did actually try to count them.

The Demoman gave up on that endeavour after 'two' in order to have a wee look around. Yup, that was the problem; not only were the memories of last night worse-than-hazy, but he still didn't know where he was.

Still, with Demo's childish curiosity he could be easily distracted from potential crisis by, say, a spiffy-looking device on a stand in the centre of the room.

He ran – yes, _ran _like a kid to cake – and grabbed the contraption with reckless abandon. The Demoman's very first action was to stare directly into the end of the device.

"ARGH GOD! CANNAE BE UNSEEN!" the cyclops screeched, smacking his head on the ground in a fool's attempt to forget.

When that didn't work he shrugged aloofly and turned the device around, hopefully the correct way. He experimentally adjusted his grip and jumped in PURE TERROR as blue light shot from the end.

Recovering (and checking he still had a pulse) the Demoman mused how he must have hit some kind of trigger. Then of course he saw the wall.

"…What in the Hell's that?" he asked nobody in particular. A swirling blue oval of arcane light now chilled out on the panels. Demo managed to put two and two together. And got eight. "A wizard must've done it!" the merc concluded, accidently pulling the trigger again.

The RED watched as an orange… hm, portal, he would call it, appeared beside the blue. He noted how both portals were now open, and approached cautiously.

Much less cautiously he stuck an arm in one portal and somehow succeeded in giving his own arse a right hook. Ow.

Falling over and cursing with every cuss word in the book, the Demoman decided to hath vengeance.

"IT'S ON!" he yelled, challenging the portal to a duel and launching himself at the orange one. In a highly mysterious kind of way, he flew through it and landed prone, skidding a couple of inches.

Instinctively he spam called for Medic, only to remember he was alone.

Now, being alone was all fine and well, but Demo didn't really fancy it; he needed a way out. For the first time since waking up the Demoman noticed that one of the four walls surrounding him didn't reach the panel-y roof.

Panel-y is a totally legit adjective.

Anyway, this pretty much screamed 'Escape this way bro' so he got to it. Ordinarily the merc would sticky jump epic-style to the gap, yet alas his sole 'weapon' was this portal gun.

The Demoman scoffed internally; as if a portal gun could get him anywhere! Madness.

In fact the RED moved to toss the device over one shoulder, when he accidently fired it again. He watched, puzzled, as the blue portal disappeared from beside him.

With the adrenaline rush most humans get playing hide and seek, Demoman searched gleefully for his portal. Yeah, _his _portal. Boom.

Uh, anyhow, he soon found it- through the gap in the wall, it sat on _another _wall. Finally applying a little cleverness to the situation, the horrifyingly-sober mercenary scampered to his orange portal. Standing a good five feet away, he leaned precariously forward until his head peeked through the circle.

GREAT ADMINISTRATOR IN THE SKY IT WAS A DIFFERENT ROOM.

Before he could choose if he wanted to go in or not he stumbled on through anyway. Regaining his composure the Demoman surveyed the new area.

Panel-y and dim as ever it was little improvement over the old one, though there were a few extra features. Primarily the door. There- like, was a door. Also a cube. And a rather tempting button.

"Eh, what's the worst that could happen!?" Demo shrugged hugely. He hopped onto the red button and felt it sink into the floor.

Accompanied by a metallic clang, the door slid open, though it immediately slammed shut as the Demoman stepped off the switch. Ohnoes!

Experimentally, he nudged the button down with one foot and tried to awkwardly shuffle toward the open door. No prizes for guessing how _that _went.

"I WILL get through this door!" the Demoman vowed, showing signs of a seriousness nobody gave him credit for.

Oh, and then he got an idea; a simply splendiferous idea.

He glanced to the cube. He looked to the button. His gaze crept back to the cube. Returned to the button. Back, forth, back, forth- THAT'S IT!

He popped a portal on the roof and dived into the one on the wall, landing on the button with all the force of the fall.

The merc promptly bounced off and crashed, flailing, into the door. Well then.

Demoman cracked his neck- time to do something REAL crazy. In slow motion, bagpipes playing and pigeons flying (only Medic gets doves), he strode to the cube.

He nearly hesitated; surely this mad scheme couldn't work!

"IT HAS TAE WORK!" Demo yelled, snatching up the cube and hurling the poor thing onto the button. Huzzah! The door snapped open!

The Demoman had little time to celebrate though, as a high pitched beep sounded overhead;

"Oh, _finally_," a female voice sighed, "I was starting to think you were the _worst _test subject ever. You probably are though."

Demo scanned the walls, spotting a camera staring at him. He turned to face it;

"Test subject?" he repeated, arching an eyebrow. The overhead voice chuckled a bit,

"You signed up you and your team of morons for testing," she explained, "you _were _drunk at the time. Frankly it was hilarious. You just kept falling over," she added fondly.

The Demoman narrowed his eye;

"Know what? Y'remind me a' someone. Yer voice sounds familiar…" The camera shook violently from side-to-side.

"No, no, I can't think where YOU of all people would- could've heard me… No." Demoman opted to just drop it. "Anyway," the voice went on, "now that you're acquainted with the portal device, head through the door to finish your test."

The Demoman realised he still held the portal gun and resisted the urge to further mess with it, instead plodding out of the room. He paused in the doorway.

"That's really the whole test?" The voice considered, adopting an air of aloofness,

"Well, you were signed to the next portion too, but I'll leave that for your sole smart teammate. Goodbye."

The Demoman suddenly found himself portal gun-less in the limbo of respawn.

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**Oh Mann, this is gonna be fun**


	2. Chapter 2- Mass & Velocity

**You guuuys, thanks for the reviews already! :D**

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Chapter Two – Mass and Velocity

~TEST CHAMBER TWO~

Unlike his Scottish teammate, the Engineer more often than not remembered where he was. This was obviously an exception.

Engy woke to the sound of clanging metal, and swiftly noted the unfamiliar scenery;

"Well ain't that the darnest thing?" he mused calmly, giving his surroundings a quick once-over. Being an intelligent man with oodles of sophisticated vocabulary, he would describe the walls as… panel-y.

It was a long room, like an exaggerated hallway, with a low roof. Heavy probably couldn't stand up in it. Engy of course didn't have that problem, being short and huggable. (Crap did I just write that?)

On a whim, the Engineer turned around, to see a door emitting 'ain't gonna open' vibes. Also a small, white object lay carelessly on the floor.

Scientific curiosity buzzing, the merc trotted over and carefully picked it up. Boy, that was some fancy tech. Unsure what the thing could be, Engy glanced to his ammo belt to ask Teddy Roosebelt.

"OH GOOD LORD NO."

Teddy was gone! SHOCK HORROR!

In worry, the Engineer subconsciously tightened his grip on the device, and started when a portal appeared beneath his feet. "…Huh."

Next thing the RED knew he'd accidently shot the opposite portal on the roof and was continuously falling at an alarmingly fast rate. He was painfully aware of the rapidity at which he was gathering speed.

However for the first eight and a half seconds it turned out to be great fun. The rest proved to be rather stomach-churning. It must be stopped!

With that thought in mind Engy reckoned he could do with a loop counter. Ooh; fire another portal!

"Ohwait." He realised a moment too late, having already popped a portal next to the door. And a single Engineer flew that day. "GAH!" he cried, sailing straight to the end of the room and slamming ungracefully into the wall.

Groaning, he staggered upright, wondering how he'd managed to keep a hold of the portal gun. Groggily looking around through his goggles he spotted he saw a sloped panel to his right and a massive pitfall to his left.

Beyond that was an open door- Engy bet his hardhat _that's _where they were keeping Teddy.

Engy's eyes narrowed. 'Them'. It was always one of 'them'.

So the problem presented was how to reach the door, right? The Engineer figured the easiest way would be to stick a portal beside it and walk casually through; of course, it's never quite that simple.

After a couple of failed attempts at this strategy, Engy noted how the wall he was aiming at was darker and tiled, not white and panel-y. Theoretically that was the issue.

Chucking plan number one into a metaphorical incinerator, Engy wandered back to the drawing board.

"…momentum carries through them…" he mumbled thoughtfully, moving to the pitfall. "Well. Ah'm doin' this for you, Teddy!" With surprising marksmanship the RED fired both portals and jumped into the pit, because _he who hesitates is lost_.

Threw that quote in for ya, Dad. Now you gotta review. Ha ha.

The Engineer whooshed to the bottom of the pit and suddenly flew from the sloped panel, having done a quick portal-transaction thing. Resembling an acrobat (if you squinted and backed off several feet) he flipped through the air and landed in front of the door on his backside.

Springing up, he prepared to storm in.

"Impressive," a voice sounded, not unlike the Administrator, from above, "You certainly did better than your drunken teammate at least." Engy looked to the ceiling in alarm;

"Demo? What have ya done with him and Teddy Roosebelt!?" he demanded, overriding his polite rules of decency for this particular occasion. He immediately felt guilty for it. The voice paused,

"Let's see… I killed your friend; he was useless. As for this 'Teddy', he's not on the records. Are you as crazy as the last one? That would explain a lot."

The following events established yes, yes he is.

"TEDDY ROOSEBELT! I WILL FIND YOOOU!"

And he charged into the next room as though using… that weapon of Demoman's whose name evades me. I play Scout actually.

Anyway the voice we all (hopefully) know to be GLaDOS remained silent as Engy bolted through the door and skidded dramatically to a halt. Just in time too; the floor fell away to a giant trench mere inches ahead.

Hooey, that was quite a trench.

On the other – distant – side waited another metal door, surrounded by more of those nonportalable surfaces. Gosh darn it. The Engineer summed up the gap, unsure if even Scout would be able to clear it.

Time to _think with portals_.

Engy spend about five seconds performing mental calculations, then placed his portals. He remembered his last jump, poor guy, back during the Dare Games. Now that… that hadn't gone too great.

Fine, it was a catastrophe.

But this was for his pocket buddy! Oh and the Demoman too. If he got a chance. Distracted, Engy accidently stepped over the edge and started his unintentional descent.

"You know, I was going to offer you long fall boots before you took off like that," GLaDOS said sweetly.

"No need, ma'am. No need," the Engineer interjected coolly, and yes, Deus Specs. Abruptly his knee pads began to… evolve, even as Engy plummeted.

To everybody's utter 'What the Hell' the pads transformed into something remarkably like the advanced knee replacements from Portal 1. How did he know…?

Engy entered his first portal and burst from the other further across the floor. Heading skyward he easily went high enough to reach the far ledge and landed nicely for a change. He punched the air in victory;

"HUGE SUCCESS!" he grinned. It was a triumph after all. "It's hard to overstate my satisfaction!" He swaggered on.

"Wait a moment." GLaDOS closed the door, much to Engy's irritation. "Your test is over. You can leave now. Actually, I have to _make _you leave. Quite violently."

Ordinarily, Engy would be happy enough to go if asked… or forced. Violently. But threaten his pocket buddy and he's a different man.

"So help me you'll surrender Teddy (and-the-team-if-ya-don't-mind) or Ah will call RV and have her break this door down! Then-Ah'll-pay-for-the-damage-sorry-in-advance…" He took out a walkie-talkie which apparently would work.

"…You're going to call an RV?" GLaDOS checked dubiously. Engy nodded enthusiastically,

"Yup! She's sentient, see."

For the next hour he and GLaDOS exchanged science banter, managing to forget earlier hostility and skimming over topics such as engineers, Cave Johnson, and something about lemons.

GLaDOS eventually remembered she was meant to be testing and subtly tricked Engy (don't ask how) into putting the portal gun through the door. She then bade him to respawn.

"Sentient vehicles…" she mused, "I'll have that to kill time later."

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**Yup, references to both Dare Games and Base Repairs in there :p**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	3. Chapter 3- Faith Plates

Chapter Three – Faith Plates

~TEST CHAMBER THREE~

Soldier was always a bit of a puzzle.

Ask him one minute and he'll tell you he prefers to know exactly what's going on. Ask him the next and he'll rant how it doesn't matter as long as he gets to kick some ass.

At the moment, he felt like a spontaneous ass kicking spree.

The merc blinked awake to find himself in what he considered a boring room. Without bothering to have a proper look around, he turned to check his six for Spies. None; but there was a door.

Soldier's brilliant mind pieced it together- he must have been the last one alive, and he locked the door! That's gotta be it.

"Now, I just need a way outta here- OOH what's that!?" The zero-attention-span merc pounced on a small item at his feet. Looking into the end of the device he quickly met the same fate as Demo. "JESUS THAT'S AWFUL."

He threw down the contraption in horror and froze when light shot from the end. His gaze slowly clambered the wall to see rather an odd orange circle there.

It reminded him of the good old days as Merasmus' roommate; all sorts of trippy stuff happening then. With that in mind Soldier retrieved the portal gun and approached the portal. Determining it was a threat he shoulder barged it, only to ricochet off and lean on the blue trigger.

The RED fell through the new portal on the floor, ending up sprawled flat. From this maggot's eye view the Soldier's vision was filled with a dark metallic object.

Assuming robot attack, Soldier reached for his shovel for defensive measures, only to discover it missing. HE WAS UNARMED. Deciding to club the object with the portal gun, he leaped up and on top of it.

_CRASH! _The object clattered loudly and snapped skyward, launching Soldier.

"SCREAMIN' EAGLES!" he shouted on instinct, registering the movement as a standard rocket jump. At this trajectory he landed on a platform high above the first room.

Regaining his feet (abused body screeching in protest) the merc nonchalantly sniffed and glanced about.

Another one of those Goddamn plates sat idly by, little blue light glowing innocently. Soldier glared at it.

"Not today, ROBOT SCUM!"

_BAM! _The plate shot Soldier into the roof.

_BAM! _The plate shot Soldier into the roof.

_BAM! _Roof.

_BAM! _Roof.

_BAM! _Roof.

_Thump! _Floor.

"Ow… you pack a punch, son, I'll give you that…" Grumbling, Soldier tilted his head and realised he'd been smashing into a painted target on the roof. Any opportunity for target practice!

Soldier hefted the portal gun and point-blank stuck a portal on the ceiling. Fun as that had been, the RED merc reverted to bored status before long. Nothing to fight in this place, that was the problem.

"Gotta be _some _way out," Soldier muttered, wondering if there was another level above his. In an attempt to find out he climbed a nearby sloping panel, hoping the vantage point would give him answers. Forgetting how his helmet impaired his vision, it did not.

However, he saw movement below him and it was his gut reaction to shoot, not realising he just moved his own foot.

Poor wee Soldier tumbled through into the portal and hit the faith plate face first.

"ARGH!" He sailed across the room. "Oh crap." BRING ON THE WALL! Soldier headbutted the far wall, meeting another door as he plonked down. Yay! Freedom!

Soldier scrambled up and marched through the exit.

"Ah, there you are," GLaDOS said over a small sigh, "you reached the halfway point. Eventually."

Soldier whipped around, trying to source the voice, when he registered what it told him;

"'Halfway'?" He brandished an imaginary shovel. "Listen here, maggot! It can't be _halfway _if I don't know where the end is!"

One had to wonder what happened in Soldier's mind.

"Actually, I _can _establish this as halfway," GLaDOS replied matter-of-factly, "because I said so."

Soldier gasped hugely,

"That is NOT a reason!" he proclaimed, still searching for who was talking to him.

"Is too." GLaDOS insisted, if only for the kicks.

Thus began a debate so useless it made Wheatley seem intelligent. Several insults and variations on the term 'halfway' later, GLaDOS resolved it by rippling the floor panels; Soldier involuntarily surfed across the room.

"This isn't over!" he yelled, despite being shoved through the next door and having it clank shut behind him.

First impression; meh, tiny room.

Look up.

Second impression; holy crap, this is one tall room.

The walls stretched up to a dizzying height, making a cuboid-shaped tower that, at least in Soldier's active imagination, could reach the moon. There was also a small indent in the wall opposite the door, where a faith plate anxiously awaited to smash an unassuming test subject into the roof.

Oh ho ho. Soldier was on top of his freakin' game. That robotic, big mean mother hubbard wouldn't catch him out today.

Pausing to taunt at the plate, Soldier instead searched for a way out. The only hint of such a thing was a faith plate on the wall, higher than he could jump. Further up on the other side was another, and this remained a recurring theme as far as the merc could see.

Figuring these were probably important, he made it his mission to get to them. The RED _started _along the right lines, putting a portal opposite the first vertical faith plate. Then it all went to Hell.

"USA!" he cried, going through his new portal lower down the wall with a manly little hop. He jumped short- missing the plate and once again faceplanting. "Aw, Godammit…"

But then, plot twist.

Of all the mad things in all the mad universes, no one – no one – expected this.

Soldier had a brainwave.

Giddy with excitement, he scampered to the horizontal faith plate, and yup, there was a blue target above it. Grinning manically, Soldier placed his portal there and stepped onto the LAUNCH PAD OF AWESOME.

In that millisecond, Soldier realised he just signed up for one Helluva painful ascent.

The movement could probably be described as wall jumping, in a loose sense of the term. More accurately he bounced haphazardly, wall to wall, plate to plate, zigzagging toward the HEAVENS THEMSELVES! MUA HA HA HA HA HAAA! YEAH! Yeah.

Then dear wee Soldier arrived at his destination, falling to the panel-y floor of a new level, gaining a broken nose for his trouble. But hey, there was the exit! Totally worth it!

"There's the exit! That was totally worth it!" the RED cheered, repeating my previous narrative, darn him. Soldier smugly propped the portal gun over his shoulder and swaggered for the door.

"Oh thank God," GLaDOS suddenly sighed, "You made it. I can _finally _kill you."

Soldier failed to acknowledge the latter half of that sentence.

"Ha, you bet your ass (you have an ass right?) I made it!" he saluted randomly, "I can survive anything!"

"Really? How about deadly neurotoxin?"

Soldier blinked, "Huh?"

And that marked the end of Soldier's test…

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**Silly Solly :3**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	4. Chapter 4- Hard Light

**I had too much fun with this**

**Waaay too much fun**

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Chapter Four – Hard Light

~GUESS WHERE~

If there was one thing – just one thing – that Spy hated, it would have to be waking up to loud noises and something smacking him upside the head.

Rubbing the back of his balaclava and muttering a little choice French, the Spy got to his feet. Hm. This place didn't exactly look familiar, he thought, with an air of minor discomfort.

The merc stood on a dingy floor made of several white panels, similar to the three walls surrounding him (at least from that side.) Not far ahead, a sudden drop made for a less-than-inviting plunge into… what the Hell _was _that? Water? Goo? God forbid it was vintage jarate.

Either way, Spy quickly established he did _not _want to touch it. For that reason, the RED tried to go the other way, only to encounter a locked door and a fairly beat up little contraption. Spy stooped to examine it.

"How interesting…" he said quietly, lifting the thing and wondering what it might do. He held it carefully as not to further damage it, when he got an idea. Without a moment's hesitation he lobbed the device at the door, which it hit with a deafening _clang!_

Nope, not even a dent, he was stuck in here. Spy let out a lengthy sigh and turned to the only corner he hadn't yet checked out. Mon Dieu, what a strange sight it was!

"Okay, now _that _is interesting," the RED padded to the corner, hoping in this case curiosity didn't kill the cat.

A vibrant, neon blue strip of light stretched from floor to ceiling, hazy waves of silver running through it. 'Purty', as Bambi would say.

Spy cautiously extended a toe and found the light to be solid. Smart French cookie as he was, Spy realised that – assuming he could move this… hard light – it would make a badass bridge across the water. Goo. Whatever.

The question, therefore, was how to do that. Spy's gaze met the portal gun;

"But of course!" he cried, arms thrown up spontaneously, "It wouldn't be here if it wasn't plot important!" He full on skipped to and retrieved the device, humming something from a sappy musical as he looked it over.

Spy figured out the basic portal concept similarly to the other mercs, although he didn't punch his own butt or get stuck in a loop. 'A fluke!' the others would cry, 't'was a fluke!'

We'll never really know.

Anyway, Spy got down to business. The support class needed to test if hard light went through portals. One small test for a Spy; one decent-sized leap for Spykind.

_Blip._ He shot the portal on the wall the light touched, forgetting where he left the opposite portal and near slicing himself in half with the bridge.

Yes, yes hard light definitely _can _go through portals. At least he knew that now.

Spy shuffled around the light barrier and popped his orange portal beside the door, watching the bridge slide cleanly over the water, like a lil' shooting star or something poetic. Spy gazed at the shiny blue road.

This was going to be fun.

"_I'm off to place some portals!_" he hopped onto the bridge, "_Some portals of orange and blue!_"

Then the author realised what she was doing and immediately stopped. Spy gave the forth wall a slow nod and strolled to the far door.

Now, Spy here doesn't get surprised; he's way too composed for that. He simply started _because he felt like it_ at this;

"Oh, hi," GLaDOS's voice sounded overhead, and Spy went for his knife on reflex- only to find it and his gadgets missing. "So far you aren't the _worst _test subject. That probably goes to your crazy American teammate."

"Soldier?" Spy worked it out easily, "I can imagine. May I ask where I am…?"

"Hm, no. No, you may not. Continue testing." GLaDOS chirped. Spy pouted and slunk through the door. He found himself in a dull room, the flickering artificial light doing little to fight the dark.

Spy stepped forward to explore, shoes squeaking on the black tiles. Upon encountering a bottomless pit he murmured something about clichés and the merc decided to find a safe way down- it looked like there was a gap he could get into. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Crap, sorry, I had to. You understand.

Ahem, Spy did the logical thing and checked the corner for hard light. As expected, there it was, bright as day, and Spy put a portal on the end. He sauntered to the pit and peeked over the edge.

Previously the RED had learned the 'portals go on panels only' lesson and sure enough, there they were- one wall of them. Wearing the expression of the suit-wearing-mercenary-cat who got the cream, Spy neatly fired his other portal with an air of 'Hell yeah I'm the boss'.

He jumped, not cat-like because that would be one too many cat phrases, but nicely, onto the bridge. The merc walked casually along and veered off to the right at his exit.

It turned out not to be so much a room as a short, enclosed corridor. Unfortunately it didn't really lead anywhere- just another drop into that toxic goo stuff. OH NO A DEATH TRAP!

"Oh please," Spy chuckled, placing a portal on the far wall and heading across the new bridge. "The outcome was never really in doubt." With that he had navigated to the end of that test chamber. He wondered if the nice robotic lady who sounded suspiciously like the Administrator would have anything to say about it.

She did not. Out of curiosity, Spy took a single step closer to the exit. Nothing. Making the bold assumption he was home free, Spy relaxed and moved on.

"Surprise!" GLaDOS shattered the illusion, opening a sneaky hidden trapdoor the poor merc fell through. "There's just one more thing you need to do." If the AI could, she probably would have smiled. Eerily. Like Medic when he practices medicine.

Spy meanwhile crash landed after a sizeable fall, and he was none too happy about the fact. Straightening his tie with a sort of furious urgency, the RED glared in the general direction of GLaDOS, asking in exasperation;

"What is with you and bottomless pits!?" For dead ahead like impending doom waited another, several feet wide.

"Oh, I don't know… They just appeal to me somehow."

So, as had become the norm, Spy found his hard light and positioned the bridge as needed. Hey hang on, why was it edgeways…?

"Now how did that happen?" GLaDOS pondered innocently. Spy glanced at the ridiculously thin surface available to walk on. Maybe an inch at most.

"You don't know who I am, do you?" Spy questioned rhetorically. "Because if you did, you would know I'm prone to displaying certain… 'ninja skills' in these spinoffs."

The camera GLaDOS was using just about blinked.

_Whoosh_. Spy took off, snapping into a swift leap and suddenly appearing on the bridge edge. Keeping low, one foot behind the other and portal gun held out in front, he dashed like a cat across a wall.

Why yes, that was another cat simile.

The support class soon sprang off the end, not missing a beat as he launched into a one-handed cartwheel through the door. Well, not exactly 'through'. The portal gun got through, but Spy was actually a little bit crushed in the closed door.

"…I've seen better." GLaDOS mused in the following silence.

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**Thanks for reading! :3**

**(I don't own Bambi. Or the tune from The Wizard Of Oz)**

**Derp.**


	5. Chapter 5- Excursion Funnels

Chapter Five – Excursion Funnels

~NEXT TEST CHAMBER~

Sniper sat bolt upright, scratching the back of his head in bewilderment. He couldn't be sure, but was fairly certain a ninja or ninja-like display was nearby.

Before long he completely lost interest and heaved himself to his feet. Hang on. This wasn't the base, or even RV! If Sniper knew one thing, he knew those were the only two places he went to sleep these days; so how he woke here became a wee puzzle.

The marksman let his gaze wander over the room, taking subconscious note of the straight white walls, the smoky glass roof, and the giant-ass trippy thing in the centre. He lingered on that.

"What is this I don't even…" he adjusted his aviators a little, staring through the lenses at the peculiar sight. A tower, he decided, it resembled a float-y, spirally blue tower.

Sniper always had a way with words.

Shifting in place, the merc felt his heel brush something. He turned to see (although he didn't know it) the portal gun; he lifted it with a quick glance around. Assuming it was a weapon, Sniper made sure not to fire the device- he was a professional after all, not a crazed gunman.

On a whim, the support class opted to take the strange contraption with him as he cautiously walked to the 'tower'. Up close, he reckoned it was actually more of a funnel. A funnel a man could probably fit in.

With that thought, Sniper did what most people would do- step inside.

"Oh, bloody 'ell…" he muttered, kissing gravity goodbye and proceeding to drift upside-down, sailing gradually toward the roof. And so Sniper floated into trippy-land; he could've sworn he heard tranquil music.

Air-swimming, the RED managed to flip into something of a skydiving position. By this time he discovered the panel of glass was _not _the roof, because he just flew through a hole in the middle of it.

Suddenly taking the 'I'm gonna hit something eventually' factor into account, Sniper wiggled backward until he was ideally standing straight and could look up.

Just in time to bonk his nose off the ceiling.

"Ow crickey," Sniper grumbled, shooting the thing a glare and tilting his head away. "Now what?" The merc hovered like this for a short while, alternating between thinking of action plans and wondering what the heck was going on here.

That's when Sniper noticed the open door high on the far wall, about level with him now. In theory, that was the way to go if he wanted out. Tucking that titbit of info under his hat and into his mind, Sniper now needed a plan.

AW YES, BRING ON THE PLAN CAP!

Dutifully the 'Imma scheme now m'kay' cap appeared on Sniper's head. Nobody asked why because several laws of physics had already been punted today.

"Legit!" Sniper offered a thumbs up to anybody who may have been watching. In doing so he let go of the portal gun, which drifted upside-down into the roof.

With a noise that reeked of science-y stuff a portal formed on the far wall as the trigger was nudged with the movement. Making a little fascinated 'Ooh' sound Sniper grabbed the device and, while searching for the trigger, he accidently shot his other portal above him.

WOAH MATE. He was off again.

The merc and the funnel traversed through the portal, suddenly heading horizontally across the room. Conveniently, this did mean his flight path was directed through the lofted open door.

The down side being a strange, transparent barrier stretched between the rounded doorframe, and Sniper wasn't sure what to think of it. Still, he was more or less stuck in his course toward it.

Of course, the second he touched it, he found out what it did.

Poor Sniper crashed to the floor as the emancipation grill erased both his portals- cutting out the excursion funnel. Owchie. The RED clambered up, back cracking quite loudly as he stretched. He had arrived!

"Well done, you made it," GLaDOS interjected on the triumphant moment, "Not take off that stupid hat."

At first Sniper blinked in surprise at the voice, then he shocked expression melted into one of calm recognition. He politely removed the plan cap, revealing his default hat underneath.

"'Ello," he said brightly, turning to the camera, "been a while, hasn't it?"

_Immediate tension!_

"Oh my God." Seems GLaDOS just realised who her test subject was. She quickly tried to recover, "Don't be ridiculous. How _could _we have met?" She was unsuccessful.

Sniper smirked, absently striding further into the room,

"Don't try that w'me sheila. I'd know ya anywhere!"

GLaDOS fell into moody silence, so Sniper chose to humour her and play along with this trippy testing thing. First problem- giant, potentially bottomless (how _would _one find out?) pit in the way. Just as he began to plan though, his hat decided to sail off to the left.

The tall merc started, finally spotting the huge excursion funnel overhead. He nabbed his hat and facepalmed to himself.

"'Ere goes nothin'," Sniper murmured, sticking his blue portal at the end of the funnel and the orange lower down the far wall of the pit. He'd been launched several times by Soldiers and Demomen; the marksman had gotten pretty good at judging his landings.

That little confidence booster pocketed, Sniper stepped into the pit.

_Cue tranquil music; _he was safe. As safe as one can be when suspended over certain doom in a flimsy-looking spiral thing.

However he was a bit smooshed against the wall. Sniper faced to the left where a thin section of the wall was white, contrasting with the abundance of dark tiles. For the Helluvit he shot his portal there, and next found himself floating along the bottomless pit.

Reaching the opposite end, he discovered an indent he couldn't see from the entrance, lined with white panels. Getting into a pattern Sniper navigated a labyrinth of floorless hallways, riding every-which-way in the excursion funnels.

Eventually, to the merc's relief, a door – _hopefully _the exit – loomed ahead, though not in line with any panels. Yet there were a few below Sniper, and he was finally above solid ground once more.

He hovered there thoughtfully for a short while, sharp gaze trailing around the area. AH HA. In line with the door (though significantly lower) _was _a distant sloped panel.

Not really pondering the implications – just wanting to prove he could hit it – the professional took careful aim and _boom_, there was his portal.

Then Sniper began to fall.

"…I jus' turned the funnel off…" he noted, quite peeved about that, when he borrowed the velocity mechanics from Engy's chapter, zipped through his portals and blearily realised he had gotten through the door. "Aced it."

Sniper stood to encounter yet another door only a dozen feet ahead. A beep sounded, followed by,

"Good, you're done. Put the device in the next chamber so I can _get you out of here_."

"Anythin' for yooou," Sniper grinned, enjoying teasing her way too much. GLaDOS pointedly turned the vital testing apparatus camera away as the merc carried out her instructions. "Done," he told her, shuffling back.

"You're someone else's problem, now," GLaDOS prepped the neurotoxin, "I only want you gone."

"Under the circumstances, y'have been shockin'ly nice…" Sniper said, the moment before respawn retrieved him.

* * *

**Yes, that is a reference that John Patrick Lowrie and Ellen McLain are married :p**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	6. Chapter 6- Redirection

**Reckon I gotta dedicate this chapter to both my real-life, Pyro-obsessed buddy _Foodthatfarts_ and my awesome Dad _I am smarticus_ :p**

**Y'know what? I dedicate this chapter to ALL of you folks at home! :D Have a nice day**

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Chapter Six – Redirection

~CHAMBER SIX, PYROLAND~

Pyro, so often out of it completely, was unconcerned about waking up in unfamiliar territory, especially when the place looked so gosh darn pretty. Pale pink and blue washed panels made the walls and sparkly tiles the floor; _the_ most fun thing to slide on in socks ever.

But Pyro was wearing boots. Shame.

None of its RED friends were here, though Balloonicorn frolicked nearby. When Pyro realised its inflatable pal sat on a mysterious something, it went to investigate.

"Hmm…" the pyromaniac mumbled in awe, finding a quirky little device on the floor. Even with no idea what it was, Pyro knew with certainty it had to try it out. Balloonicorn returned politely to Pyro's shoulder as the RED picked up the silvery contraption, and looked into the end.

WOAH. Pyro's life changed forever.

The merc shivered through the tiny adrenaline rush and skipped merrily off across the room. With both arms and legs swinging eccentrically already, it was an exceptionally comical sight when Pyro tripped over _another _something and flailed all the way to the floor.

Pyro leaped up and spun around, frantically apologising in case it managed to hurt somebody. No one was there (save Balloonicorn, arching an eyebrow in a 'bro, srsly' fashion) but a small parcel sat on the tiles at Pyro's feet.

Weird parcel though; it was clear in the middle, like ice on a fun winter day. Y'know, minus all the gunpowder and stuff that always found a way into the water. Eugh, water. Pyro shuddered.

Not wanting to leave the box on its own, Pyro insisted on taking it along too, and the merc/unicorn/portal gun/cube progression reached the end of the room.

"Hudda!" the merc cheered like a boss, for they had discovered a door! Although, as Pyro stared at it through gasmask lenses, it had the most peculiar sensation that there was a problem, a reason they couldn't proceed.

"…The door's not open, doofus," Balloonicorn squeaked after three full minutes, and it was like switching on a light. With a noise like 'Ah ha!' Pyro put down the box and got into the position of the sitting meme we all know and love to think.

It looked to the base of said door, intently following a line of multicoloured dots, like a row of marching ants, with its eyes. They led to yet one more weird and maybe wonderful device; Pyro could only describe the thing as a fancy cup on its side on the wall. Presumably it needed to be filled with something.

Perhaps that giant rainbow beam between the walls was relevant. Yes, that seemed likely.

Pyro's predicament – how much does that sound like a crappy cartoon? – was how to get the rainbow into that wall thingy. Couldn't be too difficult- no room for negativity in Pyroland. Balloonicorn bounced up and down jauntily;

"Try using this!" the balloon pony suggested, tapping a magical horn on the portal gun. "C'mon, let's go!" it urged, and Pyro nodded enthusiastically. It hopped off the cube and gave the device a once over.

Maybe it worked like the rainblower; moving happiness opposed to making it though. Nevertheless, hoping it operated similarly (not wanting to repeat the medigun incident) and was as easy to use, Pyro pulled the trigger.

It gasped in pure delight as the portal appeared; an iridescent circle of one hundred percent awesome. By sheer good fortune more than anything else, Pyro ended up placing the opposite portal in the perfect place.

The laser travelled through the portals, hit the redirection cube and warped directly into the wall panel.

The trail of dots offered a wee light show before the door smoothly slid open. Pyro and Balloonicorn exchanged a brofist then the former nipped through the door. Its inflatable pal only just squeezed through when the door slammed, and for a brief moment the pair was plunged into darkness.

With a click, overhead lights suddenly snapped on, flickering as if grumpy about waking. Pyro blinked (presumably… with the mask, y'know…) and squealed gleefully at the sight of more pretty panels and not one but _three _of the semi-transparent parcels. Not to mention those funky lasers that made the merc want to party. Balloonicorn cantered off on a quick recon mission;

"There's another door around here, Pyro!" the squishy unicorn called helpfully, pointing a stubby hoof toward it. Pyro went for a peek, and yep, by three of those ports on the wall was a closed door, just like the last one. By that logic, Pyro knew rainbows plus those equalled way out.

And so the game began.

That's not even a metaphor. This really was a game to Pyro.

The RED waddled to the nearest box, picked it up, and selected a beam at random. This one reached from floor to ceiling, and Pyro carefully manoeuvred the redirection cube into it.

Then it giggled and madly flung the rainbow across the room. Dear sweet Pyro of course remained oblivious to the destruction, only seeing tiny fluttering butterflies were sparks flew in actuality.

By some freak chance Pyro leaned on the portal gun's trigger, and the circles of arcane light once again formed in exactly the right positions. Proud it was already a third of the way there, Pyro plopped down the first cube and headed for the next one.

Regrettably, that path steered the merc directly through a horizontal laser.

Oddly enough, Pyro had never been burned before; its flame-retardant suit made sure of that. So when it happened, the RED completely flipped out, wondering what in the name of all things cute and fluffy just went down.

After a pause Pyro gradually reached out again, daring itself to touch the beam. Balloonicorn tutted;

"Now, Pyro," the unicorn chided, "think this through…"

And Pyro did think it through. It thought touching the laser would be a jolly fun idea.

The silly pyrotechnician indeed got burned again and jumped back with a feminine little yelp. Balloonicorn sighed a squeaky sigh as its incompetent friend succeeded in crashing into BOTH the other redirection cubes.

The balloon then blinked in confusion as the repositioned boxes manipulated the remaining lasers into the slots by the door, opening it.

Balloonicorn stayed frozen in shock for a while after.

"While that was certainly not the _conventional _method for solving that test," a female's voice observed from above, "it was really quite entertaining." GLaDOS chuckled to herself.

Pyro glanced around with a weirdly cute puzzled head tilt. The innocent little pyromaniac (?) couldn't see anyone. Maybe someone like Spy – who could turn invisible – was here!

Pyro didn't actually have the rainblower for spychecking, so it improvised by charging around the room making aeroplane noises in the hope of bumping into this cloaked person. The following is was GLaDOS _really _said;

"…Alright. If you could just keep calm… and put the portal device in the next chamber…"

This is what Pyro heard;

"HEY FRIEND! I LOVE RAINBOWS _MY GOSH _WHAT A PRETTY BALLOONICORN! PORTAL DEVICE!"

The statement pleased Pyro so much it suddenly exploded, the shockwave launching the portal gun through the door.

And that is why Pyro is the ideal test subject.

* * *

**Hm. Yes.**

**Anywho, if you in fact aren't familiar with that meme, check out page two of the comic True Meaning :p**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	7. Chapter 7- Gels

**AW YES, BRING ON THE SCOUT!**

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Chapter Seven – Gels

~TEST CHAMBER THE SEVENTH~

Jumpy as always, Scout had immediately sprung to his feet upon regaining consciousness, only to be clonked upside the head by something and flop back down. Grumbling, the young merc clambered into a slouched sitting position.

"Wait- where…?" This ain't the base. "Okay, this does NOT look good here. Uh…"

Scout stood, already freaking out, and several scenarios darted through his inattentive mind. He cycled through BLU kidnapping, sleepwalking and 'a wizard did it' before simply forgetting the situation when he found the portal gun.

The merc zipped over to it in curiosity, and tossing caution into the shredder, he scooped it up. He reckoned it was about the size of his scattergun and made the connection the thing must be a weapon.

With that so-called realisation came a desire to shoot something, so Scout gave the room a quick scan to confirm he was alone before doing as such.

_Blip_, went the blue portal.

"What the Hell? AWESOME!" The excitable RED dashed to the swirly circle on the wall and, in the same manner he tended to bother Spy or Heavy, he prodded it repeatedly. In the hope of making the science-y thing do something cool, Scout fired the portal gun again, this time on the opposite wall.

The speedster blinked as both portals split open, but the confused expression soon transformed into a demonic grin. Long story short;

"WHOO!" Scout had a portal on the roof and floor, "Imma freakin' blur here!" After falling a while he eventually clumsily double jumped to break the loop.

That motion was what really began the test; he managed to headbutt a small red button atop a pedestal. For the first time since waking Scout gave the room a proper look, to see a peculiar orange substance splatter from a pipe onto a ramp and run down it.

Beyond the slope a gap further than he could jump yawned in the tiles, but that wasn't really striking Scout's interest.

A little wary for once, he crept hesitantly to the ramp, eyeing the strange orange stuff as he would a Heavy who _looked _like he was hibernating but could very well punch him dead when he blinked.

Scout tentatively raised a foot.

Moved it forward.

Lowered it.

And finally planted it.

"OH JEEZ." The RED suddenly slid forward at crocket-speed, panels blurring by in a smear of dull white as he shot up the ramp. "Hey, I'm flyin'!" he said, moments before crashing to the floor on the other side of the pit, skidding to an abrupt halt.

Scout casually cleared his throat, muttering 'no one saw that…'

He jackknifed up because it's simply the coolest, most awesome way to get up. Now, while he couldn't nail down exactly what that… gel, was, the merc decided he wanted to do that again. Problem being he couldn't jump back to the ramp from here, and he didn't have the presence of mind to use the portal gun.

Shrugging in half hearted disappointment, Scout merely jogged out a second door across the room. To his childish delight there was more gel in this chamber, although it was sky blue.

And _real _far down; Scout stood on a short metal balcony above a distant splash of gel. The merc smiled- waiting's for losers!

Thinking about thinking about nothing while trying to think about nothing, he launched himself off the platform to play with the fun speedy-gel.

Shame it _wasn't _propulsion gel then.

"YEAH!" Scout hit the bouncy repulsion gel and flew upward again, "_this is even better_!"

Sure, in the next second he faceplanted on another balcony, but he had a new favourite thing. Ignoring the blood from his probably broken nose he scampered through the next door.

MORE GEL. Yaaay.

Apparently he had to work for it though, because there were those pipes and buttons again, and they weren't even in the right place! That's about when Scout remembered the portal gun.

If he applied a little brainpower (emphasis on 'little'; he didn't have much to spare) the RED could maybe get through this without further breaking things. Such as his bones. Hm.

First thing he noticed was another ramp, dead ahead. Past that was something of an island, surrounded by an empty moat. Beyond _that _waited a door.

Scout reckoned getting orange gel on the ramp would be a good start, so he trotted under the two pipes to see which was which. He stood under the nearest one and leaned back to look at it, when he accidently hit the nearby button.

The young merc barely had time to mutter 'aw crap' before he was doused in a shower of blue gel. With a dignified wee yelp Scout bolted in a random direction, bounced dramatically off a wall and landed on his backside.

However he did find something on the floor- a stray, yellowing sheet of paper. Scout casually shook the worst of the gel from his arm and retrieved the paper. There wasn't much on it; just a short paragraph entitled 'The Labboys' Notes' and doodle of a schematic in the corner. It seemed to be depicting some kind of lemon.

Scout ignored that and read the sheet, squinting as blue clouded his vision.

"Okay, uh, 'In case you got covered in that' – whatsthatsay? – '_repulsion _gel, here's some advice: Do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.' Damn."

Well, what's the worst that could happen anyhow? Scout skipped haters gonna hate style to the other pipe and placed his portal underneath. He spun to face the wall and set his other one, then pressed the button.

Arching like a pwetty rainbow, orange gel sailed through the air and coated the ramp within moments.

Taking a second to perform a short victory jig, Scout proceeded to figure out a way across to the door. Or he tried to; he was actually having more fun skating back and forth on the propulsion gel.

Eventually he grew bored of that too, and after much (so very, very much) trial and error the RED finally got some blue gel on the 'island'.

WARNING. Badass moment(ish) approaching!

Scout sprinted at the slope, aiming true for the distant door. The gel immensely increased his already hyped speed and he flew off the ramp, dog tags flying.

Half a beat later he hit the puddle of repulsion gel – feet first this time – and he jumped like that time he borrowed Soldier's rocket launcher.

Any vague levels of badassery faded when Scout slammed into the doorframe and slumped to the chilly floor.

"Wow. That was _almost _impressive," GLaDOS commented, totally not scaring the RED, "Shame you're such a moron."

Scout flounced upright indignantly, acting like nothing happened. He pouted severely;

"Hey, hey, _moron_? Come say that to my face, chucklehead!" There was a pause, then GLaDOS deadpanned;

"No."

Scout guffawed and stomped in a moody little circle, chucking the portal gun away in irritation. The device sailed through the door and hit something with a soft thump. Something that let out a groan.

"…Medic?" Scout asked dubiously, but the door clanked shut before he could find out. GLaDOS opted to go for the ol' distract the moron tactic and played the booming sound of a train horn. Scout jumped about eight feet.

"That was interesting. Do you have a guilty conscience?"

"For the last time that wasn't my fault!" Scout yelled, "I didn't _know _the microwave would implode! STOP JUDGING ME!"

GLaDOS quickly sent the hyperventilating merc out of his misery and back to respawn.

* * *

**Playing king of the hill as Scout last night. Four kills in a row. Feeling awesome.**

**Jumped into**_** - JUMPED INTO - **_**a crit rocket. DEAD.**

**Argh.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing guys! :D**


	8. Chapter 8- Turrets

**Turrets are so damn cute**

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Chapter Eight – Turrets

~YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE WE ARE BY NOW~

Before even opening his eyes, Medic decided he was going to _kill _Scout- whatever had just hit him, he knew Scout was the culprit. Groggily the doctor fumbled for his bone saw, only to find it missing and an unidentified object by his side.

Perking up a little in interest, Medic clambered to his feet and shoved his glasses up his nose for seeing purposes.

The room was pretty big, not unimpressive, and made completely of white square panels, the consistency broken only by a door behind the merc and a hallway looming ahead. Artificial light glared down, making Medic's lab coat appear dingy yellow.

He ignored all of this though, too busy grabbing and examining the increasingly battered portal gun. Had Scout thrown this? What exactly _was _it?

"And now I have to find out before I go insane…" Wait. He's _not _insane? Medic glowered at the forth wall, "NO, I am NOT."

He stormed off in a huff for maybe two paces or so. Then he noticed how the strange device resembled a gun. Medic knew his way around weird weapons; the syringe gun being solid proof of that.

That observation motivated the RED to simply go ahead and fire the thing at the nearest convenient wall. And thus Medic discovered portals. He laughed manically because they were _so damn awesome_.

"I NEVER VANT TO LEAVE!" he proclaimed, madly flying around the room. So it seems likely his speedy departure – zooming along the hallway – was an accident.

The merc was moving fast enough to smack into the back wall and even swing right around a corner. He landed prone, when a voice sounded nearby;

"Hello?" It was a cute, innocent tone, coming from further down the hall. Medic glanced up to source it, only to skitter back round the corner when a dot sight not unlike Sniper's came into view.

He drew away just in time; a spray of bullets (not unlike Sniper's SMG) occupied the space he left.

"Are you still there?" the little voice asked as Medic regained his feet, and he could see the sight tracing figures of eight before refocusing straight ahead.

Medic worked it out- some kind of sentry must be posted there. NOT ON THE DOC'S WATCH, SON.

He briefly executed his 'Meet the Medic' taunt for a confidence boost then got down to business. He popped a portal onto the wall behind him, then nipped out, stuck the other behind the turret and darted back to safety.

The doctor carefully stepped into his portal and gently picked up the little turret. It genuinely gave a small squeak of fear and Medic nearly dropped the wee gun in shock. Heh, it really was quite cute, with its dinky size and glow-y red eye. Adorable!

But then Medic got that look. That awfully morbid look that once actually killed Scout. He could do it. He could fling this turret, still emitting frantic beeps, and smash it on the floor. It would be a piece of cake. And he was gonna do it. Riiight now. Yeah.

Medic self consciously glanced around, then lightly placed the turret down and speed-walked further along the corridor, leaving it behind unharmed.

The RED approached the next corner with more caution, and was rewarded by not getting his head shot off. The second turret didn't even notice him as he portalled his way around it, and similarly he made his way through several more corridors.

"Ugh, I feel like a Spy right now…" Medic mumbled uneasily. Distracted as he was, the merc nearly blundered straight into a room housing two turrets. With practised running-from-flame-thrower moves he backpedalled away in time, skilfully avoiding tripping over his coat. Boy did it suck when that happened.

Medic peeked into the room, noting a door between the turrets, and found a cube sitting beside him. The doctor sighed, knowing what he had to do.

"Ah, forgive me," he said all solemn-like. Then he cackled manically, placing one portal above the left turret and one underneath the cube. With that the turret tipped over, bullets flying in a frenzy.

Medic grinned at first, BUT THEN;

"I don't hate you…" were the turrets last words as it shut down. Medic blanched.

"Mein Gott. Vhat have I done." He snuck into the room without disturbing the other gun and sidled through the door.

Feeling genuinely horrible for the first time in years Medic shuddered and swept his gaze over the new room. A large sheet of clear glass spanned the space, and behind it waited a freaking _army of turrets_.

"Hello," they all chorused at once, sights training on the rather nervous doctor. Several cubes were piled beside him, but he pretended not to notice them.

Well. There had to be some simple, dignified, failsafe way of getting through here.

"ARGH!" Medic screeched, somehow vaulting the three-times-his-height glass barrier and charging through the turrets, all of whom chanted 'target acquired!'

Sprinting like when Sniper and Scout slipped Bonk into his water, the doctor magically phased through the minefield, as it were. Frankly it's a miracle he only took the one bullet as he made it across. Still he dashed into the far hallway, escaping the bullet Hell. OR DID HE!?

A single sentry was positioned at the end of the corridor, its eye ominously awaiting a test subject to step into its path. With no chance in Hell of dodging this, Medic frantically fumbled for the portal gun to defend himself, when;

"I'm different…" the turret insisted softly. Medic blinked, still hovering over the trigger hesitantly. The whole 'not being riddled with bullets' thing was pretty nice, a good sign even. After a pause he lowered the portal device. "Thank you!" chirped the turret, its relieved tone maybe Medic's imagination.

Not giving himself much time to consider his actions, the RED merc tucked the turret under one arm and took it with him. The pair of them headed casually through a chamber lock to encounter one giant ass room, wide as a football pitch and as tall as the breadth.

Overhead innumerable laser sights crossed each other, forming a web of red light. Medic glanced at his turret buddy;

"Ve have to get to zhe top, don't ve?" he asked flatly. Lacking the ability to nod, the turret remained motionless. The doctor sighed, "Fine."

With surprising speed he popped a portal behind the lowest gun, went through and spun it to face the wall. NEUTRALISED, PUNK.

Medic quickly selected another turret in no other's sight and repeated the action, then again and again, gradually unravelling the net of dot sights. A small error of judgment along the way made the merc take a couple more bullets, and in all honesty it was making him a tad uncomfortable.

An understatement, perhaps.

"Get mad!" Medic's turret suggested helpfully, adding as an afterthought "Don't make lemonade."

Medic blinked blankly, then shuddered and limped onward. In one final portal transaction though, the doctor staggered to the top of the room; a flat space with a metallic door only.

Phew, they made it! In one piece and every- BAM!

A spontaneous mashy spike plate crushed Medic and sent the portal gun skittering through the door.

"I wanted a line dammit." GLaDOS stated defiantly, making the lights flash like a horror movie.

Gulp.

* * *

**Huh. That was random :3**

**Thanks so much for reviewing!**


	9. Chapter 9- Fail

**Alas we've reached the end!**

**Thanks for reading Flunking With Portals! :D**

* * *

Chapter Nine – Fail

~THE FINAL CHAMBER (DO DO DO DO)~

As a general rule of thumb, for some unspecified reason, the RED Heavy _hated _getting up. Hated. With a passion.

So when the merc awoke he refused to move, stubbornly remaining flat on his back, the cool floor chilling his spine. The harsh light was making an effort to glare/intimidate him into standing, but to no avail.

Heavy lay still for a full hour and forty two minutes before the exasperated GLaDOS lost her patience; she flipped the panel functioning as his bed into the upright position, plonking the RED onto his feet.

As the floor snapped back down Heavy cursed half-heartedly in Russian and searched for a weapon. Obviously his beloved Sasha didn't make an appearance. Ohh Hell.

"SOMEONE TOUCHED SASHA!" Heavy bellowed, "WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?"

GLaDOS watched the significantly wider awake merc storm about the test chamber, wondering if this had in fact been a good idea.

Apparently forgetting he could kill men with a single punch, Heavy adamantly continued looking for a weapon. Somehow he came across the nearly-destroyed portal device and held it shotgun style. With said action came a rather distressing thought- what exactly was he supposed to be shooting at?

This was a first, and Medic wasn't here to ask. Wait. _The team wasn't here._

"Time to save team and Sasha!" Heavy announced to no one in particular. He glanced around, finding himself in a square pit twice as deep as he was tall. The four white walls loomed, but Heavy could see a door above the pit. Onward!

On a whim, the Heavy Weapons Guy fired his new gun at the wall, perhaps in the hope it would magically carve a staircase for him. No such fun; but it _did _make a funky blue circle-oval type thingy. Yeah.

More fascinated than he cared to admit, the merc stared in awe at the portal for several seconds. Then he promptly forgot all about it and tried to climb the walls. Two useless jumps against the side of the pit later Heavy happened to lean on the trigger, neatly placing his orange portal by the door.

Just like that, all became clear to the RED.

Portals, mechanics, whether or not this statement was false… he understood. The defence class strode toward his portal in slow motion, intending to step through and forever CHANGE HUMANITY by reaching that door!

So it really was a kick in the nuts when he got stuck inside the portal.

"OH DIS IS BAD!" Heavy sealed the deal on the buzzkill, furiously struggling to fit even his torso into the portal. He could not. GLaDOS failed to keep her composure and was in hysterics as Heavy uselessly tried to drag himself along.

"And I was always calling HER fat!" the AI reflected between laughs, "AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Heavy pouted and heaved himself backward. Nope, that didn't seem to be working either. Despite not actually being able or having the need to breathe, GLaDOS started laughing so hard she gasped uncontrollably.

"Stoopid. Tiny. Portal!" Heavy grunted over GLaDOS's giggle fit. The poor merc remained wedged there until the AI had calmed down and accepted the fact she wouldn't get any more testing done. Stifling one last chuckle she readied the dangerously lethal neurotoxin.

"Well," she said, suddenly oddly subdued, "you and your team have been _very _helpful." Whether that was sincere, the world will never know. "Goodbye, and don't come back."

Heavy vanished, once again claimed by respawn.

~RED RESPAWN~

"Ah… I still _hate _that," the Demoman moaned, deciding against standing and instead just swinging his legs over the side of the bench. The cyclops bore witness to Engy's arrival before too long.

"Yeah, Ah don't wanna talk about it either…" the Engineer said, and they sat awkwardly in silence until Soldier appeared;

"Goddamn robots," was his only comment, the merc opting to hide under his helmet rather than converse.

Spy showed up next, wordlessly prodding his ribs as though checking they were intact. Sniper followed him, so far the only member of the team to be smiling; until of course Pyro showed up, frolicking around the spawn room gleefully upon reuniting with its bros.

Scout arrived at exactly the wrong moment- Pyro blundered straight into him.

"Uh. Good to see ya, Py…" Scout said uncomfortably, for they were in something of a hug position. They used Medic's arrival as a distraction to shuffle away from each other. Strangely, the doctor wasn't alone.

"I call him Prometheus," he offered to the questioning glances at his turret. Not really an answer, but they dropped the subject when Heavy respawned, completing the team of nine. He seemed embarrassed for some reason.

"So," Spy abruptly drew everyone's attention, "how do you propose we get back to the base?"

Everyone sought the answer for a moment, when a much more pressing matter came up;

"Engineer? Where is Teddy Roosebelt?" Heavy asked, indicating Engy's empty ammo belt. The eight other mercs gasped in horror, and Engy passed out in worry. "WE MUST FIND LITTLE TEDDY!"

With a peculiar chorus of 'We shall!' the REDs scattered, diving to check under the benches, throwing everything out of the resupply cabinet and generally making a giant mess. Their panic increased by the heartbeat until they were all merely sprinting in circles around the unconscious Engineer, screaming incoherently.

A BLU Demoman outside waiting to spawn kill them fled in terror.

It would seem impossible for any noise besides an exploding payload cart to be heard over the din, but somehow a tiny, low thud managed it. The mercs turned uneasily to the garage-style door.

Quiet, rhythmic knocking came from the other side. Before they could decide if opening it was a good idea something fluffy pried the door open, heaving it up a couple of feet with remarkable strength. And, there, was none other than Teddy Roosebelt - the great bear himself – with a portal gun in one paw.

'Achievement get; As Teddy, escape Aperture and GLaDOS' appeared in the corner of everyone's vision. Somehow revived, Engy floated to his feet and ran to embrace his Teddy. Prometheus hummed a little reuniting tune for the occasion.

The no-longer-lost TR carelessly chucked the portal gun away, leaping surprisingly high for a stuffed bear to be caught by the Engineer.

"Hooray!" the team cheered, producing (stolen) bottles of Blu Streak from nowhere and drinking to the power of happy endings. Or whatever the Hell this was.

"To answer yer question, Spy," Sniper raised the portal gun in a badass manner, "All w'gotta do is _think with portals."_

**The En-**

"Yeah, I don't fit in those."

"GODDAMIT HEAVY."

**The End!**


End file.
